To new beginnings...
Hey subscribers, welcome to my newsletter! I’m so excited to have you all here.
First of all, thanks for subscribing. I know I didn’t give many details about the how or what I am planning with this newsletter. That’s mostly because: I have no idea what I’m doing. Surprise! But I do know one thing, I wanted to connect with all of you in a completely different way and well, here we are.
What You Can Expect
I didn’t go to J-School. I am an entirely self-taught journalist and writer. Sometimes I feel very self-conscious about these things. Why am I telling you this? Well, so much of my work in the last 2-3 years has been writing for print and web publications. It’s a huge reason why I started this newsletter - so that I could try something new and have my own creative outlet.
I’ve been working on some stuff recently that’s a much different departure from my typical work. As my partner described it to me, ‘capital L literature’ which made me die. But in reality, he’s not wrong.
Some of it have been creative, non-fiction. Some of them essays on god knows what. But I think you will like them and I want to share them with you.
Timing of the Newsletter
So my hope and goal is have a new drop on the 1st and 15th of the month. If I can up the frequency, I will let y’all know. Also, I will drop an extra bonus newsletter while I’m attending the Banff Centre for the Arts for my writer’s residency (happening July 28-August 10th) to document my time there.
Other Life News
This last month and a half has been one of the most overwhelming and exhausting periods of my life. I’ve had some of the most important things in my life happen to me and some of the most disappointing things take place too. It all started with our trip to L.A at the end of May, four days before we left, we were evicted from our apartment.
We had been living in this apartment for almost five years, and it came as a complete shock. Thank you Toronto Housing Market for being a total garbage fire. Being evicted was awful, but it really showed us who our pals were. We had so many people step up and show up for us in so many ways. If you’re reading this and you did a small something: thank you, it really meant a lot. Because of our wonderful pals, we found a brand new apartment, that we’re now about to make our new home. Which is where this first story comes from…
To New Beginnings
My hair is greasy and in a messy bun, as I lay in the middle of the bedroom floor. I’m sweaty and exhausted. My cell phone rings, and I look at the screen. It reads, “Blocked ID” and I mumbled, “Stupid fucking spam dialers.”
I’m surrounded by boxes and memories, no matter where I turn. Each tell a different story, none have the same outcome. They remind me of times I’ve tried for so long to push past, push away or push down.
But here they are, all right in front of me. For so long, I’ve held on to these random objects almost as if I was tethered to them, almost as if I couldn’t escape them.
I felt like without these objects, these items, these memories - I wouldn’t have a story to tell. That no one would know ‘me’ without ‘them’.
For so long, these items have held me hostage. As if I wasn’t a whole person who could be defined without them.
But as I lay here, I know it’s time to make peace with myself and these pieces.
For so long, I collected trash because I felt like trash. These objects made up who I was as a person, inside/out. Without it, I would be exposed for exactly who I was and people who see me for who I was: nothing, nobody. Just a scared, vulnerable person who is trash. I’m the Trash Queen, and I’m just living my truth!
But the reality is: Trash Queen or not, no amount of material goods get to define how you feel on the inside.
So I lay on the ground, sweaty and a mess. I organize and I box, and I process. I process my feelings and I box away my past.
It feels like a burial of sorts and to be honest, it is. But it’s also an acknowledgement. To these pieces and their purposes in my life and the growth I’ve achieved. To where I am and where I’m going. I don’t feel exposed, I step into the light.
The objects no longer define me. I define me.
xo Ama