Written on the Body

It has been a month since we last spoke, and I have been meaning to write this for some time. If I can be a bit honest, I’ve been feeling depressed.

When I returned from Banff, I was hit with this immense sadness. The way I have been describing it to most people is that: I had to come home to place where I always faced this never-ending sense of anxiety and fear. Although I know it’s not real, I always felt in competition with others and this sense of inadequacy regarding my work. So for about a week after my return, I laid on my couch and binged watched reality shows on Hayu and wallowed in my feelings.

These feelings and this sadness reminded me of a 2017 essay written by the incredible Isabel B. Sloane titled, “When Envy Gets Under Your Skin.” This sentence got me though and really resonated…

When you work in the attention economy and people fail to exert the energy of pressing a “like” button it starts to feel extremely personal.

Whenever I start to feel shitty or I start to feel those negative thoughts creeping in, I always seek out Isabel’s essay to remind me: your feelings are normal, and you’re okay. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the small things that we forget about the bigger picture: you are doing great work, and there are people out there who are cheering you on. Surround yourself with those positive forces who want to see you succeed, each and every single day. Even on those day when you don’t feel like you’re going to.

Now for the NSFW portion of the newsletter, if you don’t want to read, feel free to skip!

When I was a young teen growing up, I had a lot of confusing feelings going on inside about my sexuality. The Internet and bookstores were two my safe havens to figure out what was happening. Jeanette Winterson and lesbian erotica was what helped guide me.

Last week, I got to attend Erotic Writing Workshop courtesy of She Does the City taught by Tamara Faith Berge. I was intrigued because I am sure we have all read some pretty awful erotica in our time. So I figured, okay - let’s try this.

Today I’m sharing with you a piece of erotica I wrote in 15-minutes which was inspired by the lesbian erotica that got me through my teens. I can’t speak to how good it is, but an attempt was made. Please enjoy!

She pulled my body in closer, as her hand gently cupped my back. She gently kissed along the nape of my neck, as I started to feel goosebumps form and I shivered. The lights were dim, and our shadows cast a form on the wall that looked larger than life. She leaned in and whispered, “Do you like that?” and I opened my eyes, looked directly at her and nodded yes.

It’s our first time together. Our first time time exploring our bodies together. My pussy is so wet, as vast and deep as the Pacific Ocean. This is the type of woman I know would swim across an ocean for me. I’m ruined and just want her to take the plunge, and face the swell of my waves. I want her to put her fingers deep inside me, and fuck me.

I’m breathing heavily, as she continues to kiss me and I moan. “Tell me how badly you want me to fuck you,” she whispers kissing her way up to my taunt nipples, and making circular motions with her tongue. I can barely contain myself at this point, my body vibrating. I try to grab onto the sides of her body and inch her body closer to mine and taste her, but she gently removes my hands, “Not yet. Not until you tell me how badly you want it.”

My cheeks are flush and I can hardly contain myself at this point. My clit is throbbing, and my pussy dripping. I need to feel her inside me. I open my eyes, look directly at her and grab the back of ass, asserting myself. “I need you inside me right now, I need you fuck my pussy.” She smiles at me, and shoves her fingers inside me. I let out a loud moan, and the waves of the Ocean wash over her hand.

Yes. Yes. Fuck Yes.

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