Surprise: I'm writing a book!
Hi everyone, I am in Banff and as some of you may or may not know, I’m here at the Banff Centre for the Arts for their Summer Writers Retreat to work on my very first book. Neat, right? It’s also slightly terrifying. More on that.
I still remember the day that I got my acceptance letter to the program - it was May 16th and my partner and I were on the way to go see Kitten N' Lou perform as part of the Toronto Burlesque Festival.
We had arrived early and I was anxiously checking my emails for work. My partner was trying to talk to me and was becoming annoyed because I wasn’t paying attention to him, which fair enough. We were trying to have a date. When I saw the acceptance from The Banff Centre come in.
I was in literal shock and was fairly certain that I had got the e-mail by some mistake. So much so, that I had no words to say to my partner and ended up just showing him the phone, because he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t responding to him. I started flailing my hands around like a maniac and crying on a bench outside the venue we were going to. Simon, being the absolute gem that he is, asked how he could support me and I just sort of shrugged at him and looked a lot like the following photo (below) but with more tears. It was a fucking scene.
It is now July and I’m not quite sure I have made it over those feelings. But I’m here at the Banff Centre in one piece, and I’m trying to let it sink in that I’m doing this. Girl, you did this. Ain’t nobody can take this from you!
So I’m sure you’re wondering about this book I’m writing and that you’ve been hearing about. Well if you’ve followed me on any form of social media at all, you’ve likely heard that I’ve recently started working with Maria Vicente at P.S. Literary Agency - who I’m so fucking stoked to be working with. Maria is helping take all my streams of consciousness and helping me distill it into a book. Honestly, I’m so blessed to have her, so Maria - if you’re read this: THANK YOU. Now the goal is to find someone who believes in my book as much as I do.
But what exactly is my project? I am working on a collection of essays that explores the intersection between trauma and the body, navigating the mental health repercussions and my journey of love, self-acceptance, and re-connection with my body through fat activism and body neutrality.
Through these essays, I’m hoping to share personal anecdotes of how I have navigated my own mental health, how I’ve gone about dismantling beauty standards while living in a fat body and what it means to release trauma from one’s body. I want to try to spark conversation and dialogue that could be seen as uncomfortable for those who are struggle with their own bodies, and mental health to know they are not alone.
For the TINY group of people who have read my proposal, they have said it’s like reading my diary. And honestly, that is my hope. But I also want people to read this and feel seen and validated.
I’ll be in Banff until August 11th and while I’m here, I hope to complete 5 polished and edited essays. I know that doesn’t seem like a lot, but it’s a fucking fantastic start to me and something I would be super proud of.
As someone who struggles a lot with their mental health and depression, sitting down and writing can sometimes be really fucking hard. I’m the type of person who can’t write for days and poof - can sit down and write four 800 word pieces in one day. Name a more iconic duo that depression and writers. Go on, I’ll wait.
What I’m trying to remember is the following: where I’m at and where other’s are at is not one and the same, and that’s okay. Don’t compare and don’t get too wrapped up in the process. You’re valid and worthy of being here, and just enjoy the process and go with the flow. You’re doing something super vulnerable, and that’s incredible. You’re investing in yourself and your career. Remember that.
Today at 3:30PM, I am meeting with my mentor. I met him this morning and he said he’s super excited to work with me and also, that he really enjoyed my submission. This gives me hope.
For the next two weeks, I am going to work my tail off and attempt to not get distracted. In our orientation this morning, they told us there was a therapy dog coming and you bet your ass that I’m going to be visiting that therapy dog for all the cuddles when they arrive.
xo Ama